Every Girl's, and My, Struggle

Body image. 

How many Bible studies have we ever gone through dealing with this topic?  How many psychology classes have we sat through where we have seen the statistics of how prevalent eating disorders are in this country?  For as many entertainment magazines and websites there are glorifying thin women and dieting, it seems there are just as many advocates for health, whether it be in church or school.  People are talking about body image literally everywhere

I have wanted to write a post like this for quite a while, but it's usually something that is not really easy for me to discuss.  I have seen too many of my friends following Twitter accounts which post the user's "past weight, current weight, and goal weight", and the lengths they go to diet, and Pinterest boards solely dedicated to pictures of thin models as "inspiration".  I get such a horrible knot in my stomach, thinking of the scary road they may be embarking on mentally, and I have strong feelings against not only eating disorders, but disordered eating.

This is probably the most personal I will ever be on a blog, but I have no doubt that other people who are reading this have had the exact same thoughts.  I have friends who have struggled and are still struggling with this, and my heart breaks for them.  This is something that I have been dealing with for almost haf of my life, and something that you CAN overcome, and you can move on from!  Knowing that it is possible to live my life and not be concerned about my weight has been something that has given me hope on so many days where I had none.

I have never been a thin girl.  Growing up, I was usually bigger than most of my classmates, and by high school, my hips had become the bane of my existence.  I was so ashamed of my size and my weight, and had so little self-confidence, because I defined myself by the number on my jeans.  12.  I loathed that number.  I was so physically uncomfortable in my skin, and when I look back on high school, I am so ashamed that I let myself give in to society's standards, and that I wasn't as happy as I should have been, because I had every reason to be.

By college, I decided that I had had enough of my hips, and that I was going to do something about it.  I started eating healthier, stopped snacking, and went on walks with my roommate after class.  My roommate was a dancer and was naturally thin, and was also obsessed with her weight, which ultimately showed me that size is something that EVERY girl has struggled with.  My roommate and I would religiously count our calories and watch our snacking, and would reward ourselves by splitting a kid's sized Frosty from Wendy's after a particularly long exercise time.  That year,  I dropped a size, and felt like I had broken free of the "12" prison I had been in during high school.  I felt a confidence that I never had, and felt like I had control over how I looked and who I wanted to be.  I now know that the "control" aspect was very important to me, as I have had situations growing up where I have felt completely helpless and OUT of control.  My weight and dieting was something that I had full control over, and I felt so empowered.

My healthier eating habits and exercise continued through college, but I was never overly concerned.  I maintained my slightly lower weight, and I felt moderately good about myself.  I can't remember what prompted me to start a stricter diet, but during my junior year of college, I started working out at the gym even more, and monitored each and every thing I put in my body.  I stopped eating dessert, and never ate after dinner.  I worked out up to two times a day, and I felt stronger and more proud of my body than I have ever felt.  One day I remember more vividly than any other was the day that I discovered laxatives.  I couldn't believe that I could take a tiny pill and lose two pounds overnight!  It was like a miracle drug to me. At this point, I was using laxatives as a "purging" system maybe twice a week, and I NEVER thought about binging, because large amounts of food in general disgusted me.

I started dating A LOT of different guys, always breaking up with one to go out with another.  I was being applauded by so many girls because of losing weight that I was always encouraged mentally to keep up my diet.  I involved myself in so many different aspects of college- a leadership position in my social club, vice president of my senior class, leadership positions in Hearin and the BSU, and class favorite.  I was a "perfect" size 6.  It seemed like I had everything together, and I WAS actually happy.  I felt like I had achieved something that was unachievable for high school Brittany.  I had actualy accomplished a goal.  I went shopping for smaller clothes and loved, loved the way I looked.

I now see how absolutely disgusting it was.  Not my body, but my mind.  I honestly did care about my friends and family and the people around me, but I was so consumed with my image.  If I had thought about what my friends were struggling with half as much as I thought about how many calories were in the bread I ate on my sandwich, I know I could have been ten times the friend that I had been, and that is what I most regret.

During the latter part of my junior year, I felt a call to be a summer missionary.  Little did I know, the summer of 2009 would completely change my life.  In June of that year, I boarded a plane by myself to Sioux Falls, South Dakota, and began serving and working at a church where I knew absolutely no one.  It was one of the best experiences of my life.  I got to work with the children and youth groups, was a camp counselor, started their first church library, helped lead VBS, and got to be involved in SO many other ministry opportunities.  I made friends in Sioux Falls that will last a lifetime.  Even in the midst of serving, I still watched what I ate, and was concerned that I would lapse in my diet.  I am still ashamed of the time I spent worrying about my body, when I could have been loving on more children.  I was active almost 24 hours a day, ran/jogged for an hour every morning, and then many times would hang out with friends and would get some more exercise in.  Before I knew it, I could not fit into ANY of my clothes.  On my days off, I would sell my clothes, little by little, to a consignment shop, where I bought all new clothes that fit.  I had no clue how much I weighed, but I knew that it had to be less than what I did when I started the summer, because I had no clothes that fit.  When I looked in the mirror, I could see the bones protruding out from my shoulders, and my legs were nowhere near touching, which was pretty big for me, considering I am built with larger hips (a pear shape).

By the end of the summer, I was starting to notice that I may have a slight problem.  I had started to equate my hunger pains with little victories, but now, I was so hungry that I was frustrated, and I cried a lot, and was VERY exhausted.  One of my most vivid memories was during one of the last months of the summer,when I was riding in the car with Ben, one of my good friends from Sioux Falls.  I told him how hungry I was all the time, and he had noticed how little I ate.  I am so thankful that I had Ben in my life during that time, because from then on, he kept me accountable for what I ate, and was always there to support me.  He and my sweet little sister from Sioux Falls, Crystal, were a constant support for me, and were the only two people who knew about my struggles.  I am so grateful for them.

The week before I came home, I decided to call home and let Mom know that I had lost a little more weight, so she wouldn't be shocked when she picked me up from the airport.  Mom was always very concerned with my weight loss, and always wanted me to be healthy.  Before I went to Sioux Falls, I had to promise her that I wouldn't lose any more weight.  I had kept my dwindling size a secret from her during the whole summer, and I knew I would be in major trouble if I didn't give her a heads up first.  I told her I had maybe lost ten more pounds, but I wasn't sure. 

On the last day, I was doing laundry and decided to weigh myself in the bathroom of my host home's owners.  I stepped on the scale and couldn't believe what I saw.  I hadn't lost ten, but twenty pounds during the summer.  The last time I was at that weight was in sixth grade.  I totally lost it, breaking down and shaking, fully knowing now that I had a problem, and that Mom was going to see it.  On that day, I had another milestone in my new life with my eating disorder.  I was so upset and wanted to up my weight more, that I drove to the nearest gas station and loaded up on food.  I got a few candy bars, a couple of bags of chips, and three Special K granola bars. It was my first binge.  I ate everything, got back home and on the scale, and it hadn't budged.  At all.  I loaded up my stuff and was driven to the airport and got on my flight back home. I had no desire to come back to Mississippi- I loved Sioux Falls.  I loved the people there and I loved serving there. 

Needless to say, when my mom saw me as I descended the escalator at the airport in Memphis, she cried, told me I did not look well at all, and made an appointment with a therapist.  Of course, the next day I had to drive to Columbus to move in to the dorms and start class for my senior year, and I was more than a little upset.  It's important to know that a lot of people with EDs do not have any sense of what their bodies actually looked like in a mirror.  I had lost 60 pounds since high school, most of it very rapidly, and there was a connection that was lost in my brain.  I didn't accurately know what I looked like in the mirror anymore, or if my body was normal.  I knew that I was thin- I could tell that by the numbers on my clothes and on the scale, but I could have looked like a concentration camp victim for all I knew.  I was scared out of my mind to go back to campus.  I had no idea what people would think if I walked to class, because I had no idea what I really looked like.  I know that seems crazy, but it's honestly the truth.

I decided to call my best friend Sarah, and had her meet me before my first class outside of Painter Hall at MUW.  I saw her walk up, and immediately she surveyed me, and said everything was going to be okay, hugged me, and told me that I needed to wear more layers so that we could conceal my shoulder blades and chest bones until I put more weight on.  She was always very honest with me, and I am so glad I had her in my life, and that she is still there for me.  I did lose a lot of friends during this time in my life, but Sarah was one of my friends who was ALWAYS there for me, and even fed me Lockheart red velvet cake to get more weight on :)

One shocking thing to me was the reception I got from almost everyone on campus.  Literally every girl I ran into comment on how "good" I looked and asked how I did it.  One person even told me to not listen to people who said I looked too thin, because I looked like a model.   You can imagine how much my ego was fed.  Three people said I needed to gain more weight.  Three.  Now that I am on the road to fully overcoming disordered eating, I know the importance of not looking beyond rapid weight loss, and I wish everyone could see the red flags, and could be brave enough to confront someone.

Senior year was probably the toughest year of my life.  I was taking a Pilates class, and had to sit on two mats because my tailbone coudn't handle the hardwood floor.  I was a psychology major, and I remember going over the eating disorder chapter in Dr. Milikin's class, thinking "Check.. check.. I have every one of those symptoms."  I had so many heart-to-hearts with Sarah and Taylor, and I sunk into somewhat of a depression.  I slowly gained weight back, but when I did, I was so distraught by the number that I would revert to full binge-eating mode becaue I would "give up".  I binged and purged a lot during this time, and that definitely fed into the depressive cycle.  I had a particulary tough time when the scale hit 115.  I went home, didn't get off of the couch, and probably sent my mother into panic mode multiple times.  It was a horrible cycle, and I didn't think I was ever going to get out.  Looking back, I see how much I hurt my family, and I realize just how much I am blessed with a family who prays for me, encourages me, and loves me like crazy.

I honestly still struggle with what I eat, and I am still tempted to go back through the binge and purge cycle.  It has been over three years since I got back to a normal weight for my height, and I STILL have to make a concious decision DAILY to eat enough, to eat healthily, and to treat my body like a temple.  It takes a lot of prayer, and a lot of support from some awesome people around me. 

I met Justin at my lowest weight, and on our third date, I told him about my ED.  In every depressive cycle I went through, every time I have decided to leave him because I was upset and unhappy with myself, he has always been my biggest cheerleader and biggest supporter.  Even when I wasn't with him, I could call him and get encouragement, and he would always be there.  He was my best friend, and still is.  I remember the first time that I was able to eat a whole piece of cake without being disgusted with myself or going through a binge cycle. I called Mom and Justin, crying tears of joy, and it was honestly one of the most happy times in my life!  I praised God for that moment- over a piece of cake! 

SO.  This is why I am not a supporter of "thinspiration" Pinterest boards and applauding women based on their weight loss.  It's the beginning of a long, hard road, and something that will literally follow you for the rest of your life.  You have no idea what those pictures or quotes mean to someone who is struggling with body issues.  It's a focus on the outward, and it is in no way positive. 

If you are struggling with something similar, I really, really would like to talk to you.  I have dealt with almost everything concerning EDs, and I have a huge burden for those girls who are.  The Lord has opened SO many doors for me to talk with people who are dealing with the same, and as cliche as it may sound, there IS hope!  Lots. :)